Truth Time

I haven't written in a while because my disorder has once again been pushed to the forefront of my life. I'm switching meds again, and relying on xanax to get me throughout the day. I don't feel like myself. I feel alone and unwanted.

Lately I've fallen back into a depression. I think this comes from the life changes happening in my life and the fact that my disorder seems to never be fixed. I've through probably ten different antidepressants and haven't liked any. I have been on prozac for 27 days now and haven't seen any change. I'm doubting that this will work. I upped the dosage today. Along with the medicine change, I am with new roommates and in a new apartment this year. Although I love my roommates, I don't have the best friend I used to have here. I feel so alone.

I've started to self-medicate. And by that, after class, I come home and sleep until dinner or drink wine. That scares me. I by no means drink everyday but I'm scared that this is a slippery slope. I don't like myself. I don't feel worthy enough to be a member of SWAT or lead disciple nows. I need Jesus.

Help

The first week of school has been extremely difficult. I've been experiencing many panic attacks and a broken friendship. I get overwhelmed when I think of how long this semester will be. I've learned to take one day at a time, and to look to the Lord for comfort. I am counting down the days until I can come home. Please continue to pray for me in the battle of my mind.

Resting in the presence.

Looking forward has become harder and harder this week. I moved in my new apartment Saturday and my mom left Sunday. Sunday night I had two panic attacks. Change really flares it up. A lot of my anxiety comes from the fear of having a panic attack... weird I know. I hate the feeling of being out of control and embarrassed. I hate the cold sweat and fear of not knowing what to do. After that night, each day has become better and better in my new apartment. I let myself come home today knowing that I have had two great days in Athens. I knew if I came home the night of my panic attacks, I probably wouldn't have returned to Athens. 

My biggest fear is that I made a mistake coming home. That, by coming home, I will have to start the readjustment process all over again and have more panic episodes. The rational side of me knows this is a lie, but the anxiety has a way of taking over my spirit. I recognize that the devil is working hard to keep me out of Athens. Please pray the my adjustment process will continue to run smoothly and I will bond with and feel comfortable enough to share my anxiety with my new roommates. The devil is trying to trick me into believing that I am the same person that I was freshman year, and that I will fail. I need to keep focused on my improvement in coping with anxiety and the small blessings. Finding time with the Lord has become hard this week. I want to completely shut off my emotions and go through the motions for fear of becoming vulnerable to a panic attack. The devil is working hard against me. Please pray that I will let the Lord fight for me and rest in his presence. 

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still."

Between a rock and a hard place.

"When Pharoah let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, "If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt." So God led the people around by the desert road toward the Red Sea."
Exodus 3:17-18


I know that God often puts us in uncomfortable places. Lately I have been feeling extreme anxiety about going to Athens. I am between a rock and a hard place. I can't quit school and give into my fears but I also can't continue with school on my own. I feel as if there is no turning back and moving forward. My bible study today turned my attention to the Israelites. God put them in an uncomfortable place. He didn't give them an out to return to slave-hood in Egypt by leading the people around Philistine country. He knew that if confronted with war, the Israelites would give up and return to Egypt (v.17).


God put them between a rock and a hard place.. literally. He led them to the Red Sea for them to turn around and watch the destruction of the Egyptian army heading towards them. They couldn't run away. It was too late to change minds. And at that moment, God must have seemed cruel and heartless. But he wasn't. He was about to reveal himself to them in a way he had never revealed himself to anyone. If they had run, they would not have witnessed the way God set aside laws of nature to save those who are dependent on him for salvation. Not only did the parting of the Red Sea reveal him as God Almighty, but it stands today as a witness to us that God is not hampered by the impossible.


It is not out of character for God to put us in uncomfortable circumstances. However, while it may be uncomfortable, it is not purpose-less. God is willing to allow the discomfort and anxiety to highlight his power and grace when he leads us. After the parting of the Red Sea, the Israelites were no longer slaves, but a people worthy of having the sea moved out of their way. They had a leader who could carry them and protect them from any thing imaginable. 


I recognize that God has and will pin me in a corner. He has and will allow those same anxiety producing moments in my life that the Israelites experienced. God being the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, will pin me between a rock and hard place and let me watch my approaching destruction. He might even let things in my life look really bad for a while. But I have something that the Israelites didn't. I have the Red Sea. I have the promise of salvation and protection. I have the knowledge that God is able and willing to do the impossible to rescue me. I know that God uses these uncomfortable circumstances to reveal himself to me. I don't need to be afraid. 


"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.."
Isaiah 41:10

Peace

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27 As I am packing up my old apartment and beginning to move, I am experiencing a lot of anxiety for what is to come. Change and transition are very hard for me, and since I have been home I have slid back into my comfort zone. God reminded me of his promise tonight in John. He is the peace-giver and my only refuge. Right now I am relying on Him to carry me through this next month. I am looking forward and not turning back. He will make all things work together for my good. My view of spending time with God has changed dramatically lately. I don't have to have my bible out in front of me and play soft christian music. I can just listen... or write. This serves as some of my time with God. Blogging reminds me of what God has carried me through and helps me to trust Him more by remembering His promises. What do you rely on the Lord for? When is the last time you have sat and listened?

Catching up...

It's been a while since I've written and so much has happened. I need to make more of a commitment to this thing. I've decided to stay on the zoloft and it seems to be working for now. The true test is come August when I go back to school. My fear is more now with the medicine not working than school itself. Please continue to pray with me for God's guidance and comfort through these next few months. I've always tried to figure why God continues to let me live with anxiety, and I think it is because it always draws me back to his arms. He is my only source of comfort and clarity during peaks of anxiety. My prayer is that I will rest in Him all the time and not just in times of panic.

On another note, companionship and marriage have constantly been poured and mentioned in my life the past month. While I can say that at times I have been annoyed by something that I don't have, I have also learned major lessons. I have learned through my friend's relationships that love is a choice. Choosing to love someone no matter how many times they piss you off or get on your nerves is hard. Love is not merely magic and easy. Marriage is consciously choosing to love that person every day and every hour for who they are... faults and all. I guess that is exactly Jesus' story. He chose to love us despite our faults and disgusting sins every day he was on this earth before he performed the ultimate act of agape love: dying to save us from our disgusting sin and shame. I can say for myself that I'm not ready for that kind of love from a man yet. I am excited about the time that God has set apart to pour His love on me alone before bringing me a partner. And though I may wake up some mornings desiring a husband and hang around my friends wanting what they have, I am constantly reminding myself of the true love that I do have, my relationship with Jesus.

I am excited and saddened for the next semester and chapter of my life. I am closing the door on one and opening another. I refuse to look back. Although I am saddened by the results of the past two years, I have to look forward. So that's my motto this year: Look forward. Look forward to the unraveling of God's perfect will for my life. Look forward to the new relationships and new friendships entering my life. I am forgetting the times of depression and failure. I am looking forward.

Praise!

Today has been a good day. I'm still super tired but the nausea and haziness is gone. I feel like I'm breathing again for the first time in a long time. Everything seems so much more focused and clear. I'm hoping to keep getting better every day and gain more energy back. I cannot help but wait for the other shoe to drop. Please pray with me that this new medicine continues to work!

I'm starting to feel myself again. Praise!