It's been a while since I've written and so much has happened. I need to make more of a commitment to this thing. I've decided to stay on the zoloft and it seems to be working for now. The true test is come August when I go back to school. My fear is more now with the medicine not working than school itself. Please continue to pray with me for God's guidance and comfort through these next few months. I've always tried to figure why God continues to let me live with anxiety, and I think it is because it always draws me back to his arms. He is my only source of comfort and clarity during peaks of anxiety. My prayer is that I will rest in Him all the time and not just in times of panic.
On another note, companionship and marriage have constantly been poured and mentioned in my life the past month. While I can say that at times I have been annoyed by something that I don't have, I have also learned major lessons. I have learned through my friend's relationships that love is a choice. Choosing to love someone no matter how many times they piss you off or get on your nerves is hard. Love is not merely magic and easy. Marriage is consciously choosing to love that person every day and every hour for who they are... faults and all. I guess that is exactly Jesus' story. He chose to love us despite our faults and disgusting sins every day he was on this earth before he performed the ultimate act of agape love: dying to save us from our disgusting sin and shame. I can say for myself that I'm not ready for that kind of love from a man yet. I am excited about the time that God has set apart to pour His love on me alone before bringing me a partner. And though I may wake up some mornings desiring a husband and hang around my friends wanting what they have, I am constantly reminding myself of the true love that I do have, my relationship with Jesus.
I am excited and saddened for the next semester and chapter of my life. I am closing the door on one and opening another. I refuse to look back. Although I am saddened by the results of the past two years, I have to look forward. So that's my motto this year: Look forward. Look forward to the unraveling of God's perfect will for my life. Look forward to the new relationships and new friendships entering my life. I am forgetting the times of depression and failure. I am looking forward.
oooh girl. i be so proud! God is teaching you so much and you are helping to teach me even more. just saying.. it's okay to desire a husband. that is not a sin, as you know... but the fact that you acknowledge understanding God's love more before he comes into your life is proof enough that God is beginning the final preparation before he comes. :) i love you, boo!
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