I haven't written in a while because my disorder has once again been pushed to the forefront of my life. I'm switching meds again, and relying on xanax to get me throughout the day. I don't feel like myself. I feel alone and unwanted.
Lately I've fallen back into a depression. I think this comes from the life changes happening in my life and the fact that my disorder seems to never be fixed. I've through probably ten different antidepressants and haven't liked any. I have been on prozac for 27 days now and haven't seen any change. I'm doubting that this will work. I upped the dosage today. Along with the medicine change, I am with new roommates and in a new apartment this year. Although I love my roommates, I don't have the best friend I used to have here. I feel so alone.
I've started to self-medicate. And by that, after class, I come home and sleep until dinner or drink wine. That scares me. I by no means drink everyday but I'm scared that this is a slippery slope. I don't like myself. I don't feel worthy enough to be a member of SWAT or lead disciple nows. I need Jesus.
my dear, best friend. i love you so much. God is the only one who can cure you from this. you need to talk to him. you need to continuously trust that He has you under control. I know it's not easy. I know it's not fun. But only HE can get you through this. That is just a fact.
ReplyDeleteI love you so much and cannot wait to see you soon.